Memory – Age 20 Part 1

487887030

Desperate Times

As my life twisted and turned through so many significant events, there was an ongoing feeling of instability.  I had been trying to look forward but could not see anything, It was as if a midst lie in front of where I was standing – a thick blanket of fog as I had experienced in the english Channel on one of our many crossings from the UK to Europe. It was as though I could not see my hand with my arm straight out in front of me.
I could however feel the pain of what I was feeling right now, and knew within my self that as I wondered walking out further into the abyss, that pain would be accompanying me.
I looked left – I looked right, but I could see no options to get me out of where I was at – into a different situation that would positively impact as to how I was feeling.
Every time I looked behind, a black cloud enveloped me.
I felt by this stage of my life, I was now living on a knife-edge. Quite often literally, with a knife in my hand, wanting to lash out, but mostly considering self-harm.
The next passage was written some two decades ago, as I attempted to creatively channel the level of pain and frustration that I had recalled feeling at this point in my life: the feelings were relentless, and ever escalating. On this trajectory, I just knew I was about to turn a corner – to experience an event for which I believed I would never fully recover from.

DLP Prose_In Desperate Times.1991

Page, David L (2016a) “(In) Desperate Times” ©David L Page 1991

Ever Rising Despair

Despair©David L Page 2016
There was an explosion in my midst…
Couldn’t see the source –
But before I knew …
A white light flashed around me,
immediately followed by an intense heat storm
which surrounded where I stood,
 it ripped through my pores, and
peeled the skin back away from my bones…

 

All I could hear was ringing in my ears,
White noise
I couldn’t make out anything specific …
Just a cacophony of sound..
a cacophony of noise….

 

My life flashed before me
like a 60x fast forwarding drive
images of everything I have already just described…
Age 2, Age 4, Age 5, Age 7 and 9,
Ages 10, 11, 12, 13 and 14
Ages 16, and 17 to 19

 

The pain rose up my spine and
exploded out of my head….
It was like a stick of TNT
Exploded with me,
turning my inside out…….

 

I could feel the drip, drip, drip
down my arms,
As the liquid fear ran down my limbs
A black blanket fell all around me,
and my body went into
shut down mode

 

All I could hear was a
click, click, click, click – increasing to
a tick, tick , tick, tick – increasing to
a tack, tack, tack, tack – increasing to
a phatt, phatt, phatt, phatt – increasing to
a beat, beat, beat, beat – increasing to
a boom, boom, boom, boom – increasing to
a thump, thump, thump, thump…
I realized it was my heartbeat coming through..
As if amplified
inside my ear
– it was super intense

 

I could feel the drip, drip, drip
down my arms,
As the liquid fear ran down my limbs
A black blanket fell all around me,
and my body went into
shut down mode

 

All I could hear was a
click, click, click, click – increasing to
a tick, tick , tick, tick – increasing to
a tack, tack, tack, tack – increasing to
a phatt, phatt, phatt, phatt – increasing to
a beat, beat, beat, beat – increasing to
a boom, boom, boom, boom – increasing to
a thump, thump, thump, thump…
I realized it was my heartbeat coming through..
As if amplified
inside my ear
– it was super intense
Page, David L (2016b) “Ever Rising Despair” ©David L Page 2016. 
“Ever Rising Despair” ©David L Page 2016. This audio event represents a developed sense of my recollection of this significant event.

Northern Lights_Lebine A

The next blog in this Project 1 series is Memory – Age 20 Part 2.

 

References
Darkened House image courtesy of: Darkened house  Accessed 18th June, 2016
Northern Lights image courtesy of: Northern lights  Accessed 22nd August, 2012
Page, David L (2016a) “(In) Desperate Times” ©David L Page 1991
Page, David L (2016b) “Ever Rising Despair” ©David L Page 2016
Ever Rising Despair ……. audio link courtesy of: David L Page  Accessed 28th September, 2016
– ©David L Page 19/06/1991
– updated ©David L Page 20/12/2016
– updated ©David L Page 26/01/2017
Copyright: No aspect of the content of this blog or blog site is to be reprinted or used within any practice without strict permission directly from David L Page.
Advertisements

One thought on “Memory – Age 20 Part 1

Leave a Reply