Growing up
In all of my awkwardness ©David L Page 2016
For those of you who knew me as I grew up, I preferred my own company – I would spend hours alone. I don’t recall thinking why that situation may have been – I guess it just seemed easier to be in my own company. Perhaps it was, as I reflect – as I re-situate my self back in time – due to the experiences I had had as a very young lad.
In all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
My neighbourhood friends would snicker and tease me for as long as I can remember – in this house, and the previous one as well: “your mum is scary”, “your mum is a witch”. This perception started when my mum would yell down the street: “David – come home, come inside, come eat!” “Dinner!!”. At home I was used to hearing almost every day: “have you done your chores?”, “have you done your homework?”, “turn the TV off, go and play outside”, “come inside, it is getting dark, it is time to have a shower”, “put on a jumper, can’t you feel the cold?”. I recall thinking it must have been me, I must have been a bad kid – acting out – and in need of being controlled.
In all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
As I got older – to be about this age – I recall wondering if my mother was actually still unwell. Even though she was no longer confined to bed, there were many conversations that centred around her back. From my perspective, it was mainly due to the way she talked, the way she acted, the way she interacted with me. I only recall seeing her relaxed or happy occasionally – often only for a split second. I recall therefore I still treated her as though she was still unwell, as I had learnt to in my first household, where she actually bedridden most of the time.
In all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
I don’t recall ever having a family discussion and speaking about this. I guess in that era – or at least in our house – kids were not included in such conversations. In our household it was always “kids should be seen, and not heard”. I do recall that Dad was very protective of my mother, and tell me to be quiet if I was being rowdy; or he would hurry me along if mum was waiting for something to get done. I recall at some points in my life growing up, thinking to myself – “if I was a bad kid, then I needed to change, and be better”. The alternative – the yelling – just wasn’t worth it.
In all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
I now realise in-situating my self back in that time and location – within our house – being at home was largely an uncomfortable experience. Certainly it was not a relaxing place. In my memory, it was as if we had egg shells all over the floor. I tried really really hard, as an eleven (11) year old to behave, to be quiet, to avoid those egg shells. But just sometimes, I relaxed and trod on one, and then … well… well… well…
I had never thought too much about why that situation may have been. I suppose I just accepted it. It was after all, all that I knew, all I that had; so I suppose I just accepted it, and tried hard to work within it, to be a better kid, and not cause problems for my parents.
In all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
(Page, 2016a)
This is another in-situated recollection of what I consider to have been a significant event in my life, when I was Age 11.
Re-experiencing the Experience 2
Re-experiencing the Experience 2 ©David L Page 2016
I in-situate myself back into
Killara in 1979
re-experiencing the experience
back in our second house
where I experienced so much….
I note
my breath is very short…
my eyes are very heavy…
I now feel very nauseous,
I am out of breath….
I am tired…..
I am tired…..
I feel ill…
Acidity rising in my belly…..
discomfort, sore throat….
Everything is so, so, so, so….
Spinning round,
I grab a rail
To stop falling down..
Something,
I have become used to
in living in my world….
Will it be over?
I don’t think so…
I don’t think so…..
When will it be over??
(Page 2016b)
God in another form
God in another form ©David L Page 2016
In all of my awkwardness
I wanted someone to hold
Someone to love…..
I don’t recall how,
But I latched onto the idea of
getting a dog
I quietly badgered my folks,
quietly badgered them,
quietly badgered them,
and quietly badgered them some more
until …..
they finally decided to fold
Dad and I drove way out
to see what was available at the pound,
so many pups,
of all shapes, sizes, ages
and experiences I was told
But there she was..
sitting calmly in the corner,
checking everything out
when she noticed some
big people at the gate
looking over at her,
she wandered over
and began to lick at
my fingers,
poking through the wire..
I just knew she was right
fair, with light-brown freckles
that we belonged
together…
we would soon become,
partners in life…
We picked her up,
and drove back home,
the Page family household was about to be
turned upside down
We now had
God in another form
(Page 2016c)
(Trixie 2016a)
My first, my only……
My first, my only…… ©David L Page 2016
In all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
Someone to hang with, and pass the time with,
Play with, hang with, and not have to be told
the what, the when, the where, and with whom I could hang out with…
In all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
I don’t recall when, but I latched onto the idea of getting a dog. From what influence? I do not recall… But in all of my awkwardness, I wanted someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
I do recall very vividly that my parents were initially dead against the idea – a dog was foreign to them. “you will not look after it!” “No!” I am pretty sure getting a dog represented to them something else to look after – another mouth to feed. Reflecting, I suppose their logic could have been that we seemed to battle as a family just getting through all what we needed to everyday; we didn’t need something else to add on top, that could possibly tip the boat some more…
I felt it would be good to get a dog….
For some reason, I got it into my head…..
I quietly badgered my parents for many, many months,
probably several years
Until they caved in,
I had to promise that I was to look after her…..
feed her, walk her, wash her….
I had to promise that I was to look after her…..
feed her, walk her, wash her….
My dad took me out to the pound,
To see what we could find
And there she was..
A labrador-cross
whitish short hair
with light brown spots….
It was my eleventh birthday
when she came into my world
I didn’t know it then
she became my best friend
Inseparable,
side by side
We made a box for her to sleep in,
in the laundry,
which was close to my bedroom/ my rumpus room,
so I could check up on her….
and it didn’t matter is she pooed around….
All of a sudden the house turned upside down,
everyone was curious to see her around….
there was enough excitement for everyone
in our household
Trix was overwhelmed,
And every time someone went
into the garage next to the laundry,
she was terrified of who these big people were,
and ran and hid in the corner,
under dad’s work bench…
A few days later,
she started to curl up at my feet,
sometimes,
chewing on my shoe,
sometimes on my toe
(Trixie 2016b)
So we gave her,
her own slipper to carry around
all day
especially when she got excited,
she would have to carry something
in her mouth
especially when someone came home…
She would almost cry and wet herself,
with excitement,
when someone came home…
I made a kennel for her…
and put it out the back door…..
but to be honest,
she rarely lived in it,
she quickly lived inside
Upstairs, she had her own chair in the living room….
and watch TV with the family…
At the end of the night,
when I went to bed
She would come downstairs with me
and curl up inside
on her blankets
at the foot of my bed,
She would say goodnight, and
wake me up with a lick to the face
in the morn
then scratch at the door
to go and run out the night’s sleep,
investigate who had been around,
sniff, bark, and then pee
She would finish off the morning run,
collecting the daily delivered newspaper
Dad would let her in at the main front door
and Trix would deliver the paper to my mother’s side….
wagging her tail,
In all her awkwardness, she wanted to
wake em up and give them some morning love…
I knew her well enough,
she wanted my mum to love her back,
she wasn’t going to give up,
until she had love from
the entire household…
Morning tea and toast,
My dad would make for my mum
Trix would stay for breakfast,
Well until at least she got some reward…
We played in the street
We went on adventures
We played rugby
She visited my school…
(Trixie 2016c)
I recall starting to feel less awkward, I now had someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
Though my mum was opposed to the idea of having a dog,
she caved in, and soon
while I was at school,
my mum and Trixie became inseparable..
She hung with my mum
in mum’s home workroom,
everyday,
next to her feet
when I was at school
When mum would go down the street,
Trix would go with her,
she would assume her position
in the front passenger seat..
she looked as if was
advising my mum on where to go,
which road to turn down,
Or least
holding my mum in conversation…
Trix would let herself in,
she would let herself out
through any door she pleased,
didn’t matter is there was door handle,
or it was sliding..
Trix’s nose was her hand
an all access pass, at anytime
a hand to nudge anyone
when she or they needed some love…
I recall starting to feel less awkward, I now had someone to hold, someone to love, someone to hold…..
Trix would hear the afternoon school bell…
3:00pm,
she would go downstairs,
and left her self out,
she would go outside, and wait for me,
and if I wasn’t prompt in coming home,
she would come up to school
and look for me….
Just to make sure
I was sure
my soul mate walked in another form….
She came from the pound,
someone else chose not to love her
she fell for our family
she now had someone to love (her), someone to hold (her)…..
I was sure
my soul mate walked in another form….
We all became so inseparable
Trix broke down the walls
of our household
protecting us from strange goings on,
or so she thought..
barking and frightening away the possums
anyone she thought might hurt us,
or so she thought…
I was sure
my soul mate walked in another form….
she came from the pound,
someone else chose not to love her
she fell for our family
she now had someone to love (her), someone to hold (her)…..
I was sure
my soul mate walked in another form….
she came from the pound,
someone else chose not to love her
she fell for our family
she now had someone to love (her), someone to hold (her)…..
I was sure
my soul mate walked in another form….
she came from the pound,
someone else chose not to love her
she fell for our family
she now had someone to love (her), someone to hold (her)…..
